Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Practical Solutions for (Somewhat) Spiritual Bloopers

Or, how to redeem a really stupid, fancy coffee purchase at a "high vibrating" store. By now, you have probably read this hilarious article about Whole Foods by Kelly MacLean over at the Huffington Post. True dat, Kelly.

Reading that article and a kitchen incident involving my coffee this morning that I would rather not go into inspired me to share this useful information.

Alright, alright, I put my coffee mug on the front burner to warm it up, I stepped away, and it exploded. I had left the burner on high, because I heard the ping on Lync from my work laptop and knew it was my boss. So there.

Also, funny story, I'm out of paper towels.

These are the joys of working from home. You run out of paper towels (and toilet paper) on a regular basis and always have that moment of confusion as to why. "I'm at work. The paper towels never run out at work." And then you remember, that you're also at home and you have to buy the paper towels. Just like when you were a kid and realized that an endless supply of clean clothes don't just spring forth from mom's arms; there's actually a process.

Anyway, watching the burnt coffee ooze all over the stove and floor with no practical way to wipe it up made me think about the coffee itself. It was like a zen meditation except it brought to the memory of buying that coffee instead of my inner Buddha or whatever.

Much like Ms. MacLean, we all get seduced by fancy stores like Whole Foods or Some Guys Gourmet Repast places and we buy things we can't eat or use that were really expensive. Hence, the coffee now oozing down my kitchen cabinet.

At one Jim Bob's Fancy Gourmet Crap store or another, I purchased the fancy coffee. The coffee in a tin! Imported! A favorite of some European country! Whose flag waves at me from the front of the tin! Of course, I should buy it. So I can be fancy and European and have the bestest, most gourmet-ist in life.

Those fancy coffees were the illy and the Lavazza. As opposed to the illy and the Odyssey. Well, let me tell you, the Odyssey of the illy is drinking it. It will take you all around the world and then back home ... and straight to the bathroom.

Lavazza is much, much worse than illy (much worse!), but they are both pretty brutal. Maybe it's their country of origin (Italy) but both of these coffees taste like the metal shavings and rust bits that come out of your radiator when it's flushed. And the experience of drinking it is like having your ... ahem ... radiator flushed. (Seriously, it's liquid Colon Blow.)



It was $15 a pop! That is a LOT of expensive coffee you can't drink. Damn you fancy stores for making me think that fancy coffee makes me fancy!

So, what do you do when you find yourself in possession of fancy, yet undrinkable, very expensive coffee? Mix it with good coffee.

Here's a tip for your Whole Foods (or Chef Blah Blah Blah's Rustic Kitchen) recovery:
  1. Go to the grocery story and buy Dunkin Donuts coffee (Literally, the best coffee in the world ... and I am using "literally" correctly. Look it up.) for $7 or $8.
  2. Dump a significant portion of the fancy coffee in the garbage. The portion should be proportional to how painful it was to drink.
  3. Dump a significant portion of the Dunkin Donuts coffee into remaining metal shavings - oops! - I mean coffee in the tin and shake.
This saved the illy ($15!) but the Lavazza might just be irredeemable. 

So there you have it: a practical solution to the stupidity brought on by the weakness and intimidation of expensive, gourmet stores. And the aftermath of those, "I deserve the best" thoughts. 

I hope we've all learned something:
  1. Never put your coffee mug on a burner.... unless you're going to watch it. (Y'all know I'm gonna to this again, so I had to put a disclaimer in there.)
  2. Never buy or drink Italian coffee - especially Lavazza. Unless you need to torture information out of a suspect.
  3. Always, always buy more paper towels than you think you need. (And more toilet paper, especially if you're gonna drink the Lavazza.)

(No, I mean it, really. Why else would I be offering such helpful tips?! At my own expense?)

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