Sunday, August 4, 2013

Following My Intuition ... and Not

So, today was one of those days where I felt like doing nothing. I just realized today that it's my first full week back home without the need to fly out again. Well, that makes me feel better about the somewhat ill-conceived day I had.

It started with Oprah and her damn Super Soul Sunday. Turning that on first thing in the morning is a guarantee that you won't do anything all day. Although, today was Deepak Chopra and ... I have no interest in watching him. There is a whole story behind it that just came flooding back, which I will blog about another time. Bottom line: He taught me a lot, just not anything he intended to teach.

Anyway, it was the Where are They Now? show that she runs marathon-style after that that got me ... got me on my butt on my couch. I just had that feeling that I didn't want to leave the house. You know? I kept looking outside at the gorgeous Florida day and feeling like I should go out there though.

It all goes back to my father, who used to walk around the house griping, "What am I raising here?!" He always used to say it when we didn't want to go jogging, play tennis, or talk about books. I always got the impression that he thought we were lazy and it made me feel worthless. It didn't really matter that I was taking college courses in high school, raising a little sister, and working a part-time job. If I didn't want to play tennis, I was lazy.

That horrible feeling of worthless shame has many times pushed me to do things that go against my intuition. Whenever I feel that shame spiral start swirling, I get up and do something even if it goes totally against my intuition. Given that I am a natural-born and trained intuitive, this struggle has led me to do some really stupid things, I realize.

Today, that was going out to the beach around 3:30-4p,m, because I had been inside all day on a nice sunny day when I should be outside, exercising or beaching or something. All I really felt like doing was staying inside and watching movies and TV shows. I had put on my bathing suit around 1 and just dawdled until 3 because my gut instinct was to stay home.

Feeling lazy and the associated shame creeping up, I went to the beach. It was lovely, I have to say. The past 8 weeks in Florida have been like monsoon season in India ... or whatever that must feel like. It rains constantly and is overcast all the time. Hence, my desire to take advantage of a sunny day.

Well, as I said, the beach was lovely - the water calm, people leaving so it wasn't too crowded. I decided to go for a walk down the beach and it was lovely. I think I was there maybe 20 minutes when it started to get cloudy. I felt like I should just leave, but ... I needed to exercise. Dad's voice. Dad's voice. Dad's voice.

I did turn around at least and the rain hit ... like a monsoon. I was so far from my chair that there was no point in running back towards it. I was feeling like I should really just go, but I forced myself to not be a worry-wart and just relax. I even swam a little.

I have to say that heavy rain over the green, calm water in that twilight-like light of a Florida storm was beautiful ... and would have been more so if the rain wasn't pelting me like hail.

So thoroughly soaked and standing by my chair, I didn't pack up right away even though I was feeling like I should go, I kept looking at the sky and seeing a clearing in the clouds just off in the distance.

Finally, a big bolt of lighting stuck about 75 feet in front of me and I was like, "Alright, it's time to go." 75 feet sounds far, but when it's lightening, it's not far at all.

The point is - I have so many stories like this: where I didn't follow my intuition and suffered the consequences. I tend to follow intuition when I can see the logic of it ... which is very foolish even though it sounds smart. I didn't want to be "lazy" and I didn't want to do something foolish. However, getting struck by lightening on the beach is just about as foolish as you can get!

Intuition, divine guidance, and connection to Source are not logical and that is a hard thing to reconcile in this 3D world.

Just recently, I did follow an illogical intuition and it worked out amazingly, in a way that logic could never have anticipated (foreseen? predicted? what's the verb?).

I was in my hotel and I felt so strongly and heard my Spirit tell me to go across the street to the Mexican restaurant for dinner. As I was procrastinating, waiting for some email or other, the feeling kept growing and becoming more intense to go across the street to the Mexican place. I remember saying out loud, "Alright, I just need to wait for ... (I don't remember now)."

Finally, I went to the Mexican place even though the email or whatever hadn't come through. When I got to the bar, in it were all the people I had been having meetings with all week. They were just being taken to their table, so I only had a few brief moments with them. If I had listened to my intuition sooner, I could have hung out with them for a while and who knows what would have come of that.

Logic isn't going to give you that kind of information, only Spirit can.

The key is not letting logic and childhood issues get in the way of it. It's a lesson I have had to learn so many times. I really want to get better at this.

There is a reason that intuitives who aren't very intellectual are often better at following Guidance.