Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Exploding Exfoliant

It happened again....

Or should I say, I did it again.

I bought a skin care kit on QVC. I turned on the TV and there it was: an exfoliant being rubbed on the back of the host's hand ... again. When is something not being rubbed or displayed on the back of someone's hand on QVC? But I digress.

I have been a QVC shopper since high school. I was recruited by my older sister with a 60-inch silver rope necklace that I do still have but have only worn about three times over the past 20+ years. Now that I think of it, that necklace was the perfect introduction to QVC!

After many mistakes and impulse buys, I have got it narrowed down to two things (for the most part): skincare and make-up. And, I buy a lot of it. I can't be alone because every woman I meet (with good skin and make-up) inevitably tells me she's a QVC shopper.

And a note about the clothes: only Sports Savvy. Clothes are on HSN. Digression the second.

Now, I have my regular skincare on auto-delivery, but the one on the TV just now had an exfoliant! And that takes me to the back to the "incident" that occurred on the way back from my last business trip.

So, by now I have learned how get everything - including exfoliant - into my carry-on. As I was in line at the security gate and pulling out all my toiletries, I realized that one of the plastic bags was dripping. One of the plastic containers had exploded and was dripping all over me and the floor. Fair enough.

So, I wiped everything down as best I could and jammed everything into the trays and got ready to walk through, except this time I asked to waive the full-body X-ray tube. With everything I'd been hearing about them and the fact that this was my 10th or 12th flight in six weeks, I thought I would avoid another scan. Also, they always pat me down anyway. I think it's because my clothes are so loose and made of that slinky, somewhat reflective fabric ... courtesy of HSN I just realized. :)

So, I thought, in the way of all stupid ideas, "Why not?"

Well, one thing I didn't know is that when you refuse the X-ray tube, they pull everything you're carrying out, swab it, and run it through some kind of device that looks like Q invented for James Bond in 1965. This, in addition to the pat down I was used to.

Wow!

The story gets interesting here because they found something on the Bond device. There is nothing quite like having airport security stick a swab from your bag into that ... whatever that was ... and seeing it come back red saying, "EXPLOSIVE DETECTED."

Speaking of explosive, the praying started immediately ... mostly to ward off another explosion .... of fear-induced diarrhea. They swabbed my clothes and my bags and brought out the second Bond Connery-style device and again and again, "EXPLOSIVE DETECTED."

It's amazing how security people won't look at you or talk to you like a person when you're sitting in the chair while they swab and check, swab and check. You're a suspect, an other, not to be trusted. I tried to say that one of my toiletries had exploded, but they looked right through me.

They took me to the special room for criminals while they waited for the "explosives expert." I did see a few signs from my angels in the form of yet another penny when I looked into the same spot where there hadn't been one before. Somehow, I knew I would be alright, but still .... anxiety! And prayer. Anxiety and prayer, the story of my life.

In the secret room, I got yet another pat down, then waited. When the explosive expert arrived, of course he was hot. I was living my nightmare of being rescued by a hot EMT ... only this time I would be interrogated and arrested by a super hot, muscled national security cop.

Seriously, why can't any chubby ugos go into Security (or rescue)? As a chubby ugo myself, I would appreciate the option of being arrested by one of my own kind. Kind of the way they ask if you have a preference for a male or female massage therapist at the spa. That seems fair to me. But I digress yet again.

Somehow, either because the security people did listen to me or were just smarter than I thought, they isolated the almost empty bottle of exfoliant. There is stood alone in the tray alone in the room with me.

As one of the female flight security people (TSA?) opened the door again for the hot explosives expert, he looked at me, pointed to the offending plastic bottle and said, "Don't ever bring that on a plane again."

So that was it. Great. Made it through without any uncontrolled bowel movements and I'm an upstanding member of society again.

However, I also exfoliate my face with an explosive everyday. Ummmm.....

I will never forget that just before I left the "room" and was packing up all my stuff again, the female security person pointed to one of my clear, plastic toiletry bags to asked me how I liked my eye cream .... which I bought on QVC of course. I told her I liked it, especially in California where it was so dry blah, blah, blah.

My life tends to be full of the surreal and the ridiculous .... and prayer, lots of prayer and asking for assistance. And that assistance always comes through!

After arriving home, I remember going to the beach one day and, as the water was crashing over my face and I was wiping it off, all I could think was, "Damn! It might be an explosive, but my face is as smooth as a baby's butt."

Still, I have really been hoping to find an exfoliating solution that would not run me afoul of airport security again.

Hence, my experience tonight with the 20th anniversary skincare package on QVC tonight. I was going to complain about there being no ingredient list on the web site for me to check ... until I realized that I have no frikkin' idea what ingredient is the explosive in my current exfoliant.

The new exfoliant should be here in a few days. Wish me luck!

And, next time, I'll just stand in the X-ray tube.