Monday, July 1, 2013

What Happens When You Let Anxiety Rule the Day ....

... or the night as is usually the case for me.

I had one of those nights. I was up all night. Last night, was a special case of insomnia in which, I just said "Fuck it!" and read a book. Sometimes, why put yourself through the stress of trying to sleep. That sounds like something that should not be - stressing about sleep. However, to those of you who've been there, you know exactly what I mean.

You struggle.
You beat yourself up.
You get yourself all worked up about relaxing ... of all thing.

OY

OY

OY

As a veteran of this process, there are nights when I just don't even try to sleep. I think I'm being smart, though. Why not stay up and do something useful?

However, I didn't. This blog was supposed to be an outlet for that anxiety. A creative outlet. And. I. Didn't. Do. It.

Until now.

I didn't even think of it until now. You know why? Because I was passing in my chair. That kind of twitchy, watery-eyed alternate universe you enter when you're so tired you can't function.

Why was I so anxious? Today is my first work-from-home day on my new job. I was supposed to be watching training videos and could not hold it together.

I have had two weeks of running myself ragged in on a client site, but today feels like the first real day.

And, as per usual with anxiety like this, it's nothing. There was nothing to worry about. I'm getting so much better, but last night I was blindsided and I let it take me instead of taking control.

Worry accomplishes nothing. The lie of it is this hyper-mental state where you convince yourself that it's productive to "think things through" when you're mind is actually going a mile a minute to keep the fear at bay. That endless mental chatter is the stuff of daily corporate life, but, ironically, it wrecks your ability to do your job ... like me, passing out when I am supposed to be training.

Anxiety accomplishes nothing; it can just be so much more convincing in the middle of the night than logic and connecting to Source.

I didn't catch myself last night cut myself lose from the